keep your soul clean and your boots dirty

Posted by heidi goldberg on

some pretty awesome things happened yesterday and i plan to share those with you in a separate post soon.... but before i can get all of that together i just really wanted to get this blog out this morning to thank you all for the most amazing small business saturday yet.  this is long, and personal... and if you dont feel like reading all of that its totally ok, but id still love to hear what your favorite parts of yesterday were so feel free to share that in the comments on this post :)

if youve ever noticed my boots... youve noticed theyre pretty darn dirty. there is soap spilled all over them, there is oil soaked into them, but more than the hard work that is obvious all over them, is the walking i do in them that keeps my soul clean. i try to put myself in others shoes always, i never assume i know what someone is going through, i never assume others are without flaw or not having the worst day of their life, even if theyre smiling.

this year has been incredibly hard for me for multiple reasons. mostly personal.  i share my life with you all --- and im not sure if thats something you want me to do or not, but i do it because i want you to know me, because to know me is to know bodygoodies, not just the soap i make for you. its so much more than that. my whole soul goes into everything i do @ bg.

as i was prepping this years production for the holiday season -- shit hit the fan in my personal life. my father... hes been on a steady decline with dementia. in may we had to move him to a facility to help look after him as living on his own became dangerous. up until then weekly check ins became daily check ins to make sure he was eating, the dog was let out/fed, and the house was still standing. then he started wandering off -- he lost his cognitive and problem solving abilities which meant phone calls from neighbors, businesses, local pd, - id be in the middle of making soap and have to take off to go looking for him, etc.

needless to say, there was more on my plate than i could handle. but i had to.

so we moved him to assisted living in may, that lasted a few good months - until he wandered off from there as well on august 31. sept 6th he was sent to a " secure facility" which within 3 weeks nearly killed him. by september 18th he was dying. he was in liver, kidney, heart failure, with covid, pneumonia, 2 different bacteria uti, blood in stool - he was dying. right smack in the middle of the busiest time i could possibly have for making everything i need to make for the holiday season. 3 weeks in the hospital, and then a new care facility meant a lot, a LOT of advocating i had to do. i feel like i dont know how i got through it, but in reality i do --you guys and the women in this photo are why.

i didnt want to let you all down, it was the driving force that kept me going. and these girls made sure i could... not only were they there for me as friends, but from day to day in the business they were there - whether it was to listen to me freaking out -- or take over filling bottles, or open the shop because i was hung up at the hospital making sure my father was being cared for. i was tired, no... i was exhausted, my heart was heavy, my life was very very hard this year. spending nights in the er, not eating, not sleeping, my poor dogs not being let out for hours, finding a home for my fathers dog, it all took so much energy. 

i had a tough relationship with my father most of my life. strained is an understatement. however dementia has strangely given me a father i always wanted - hes sweet, kind, gentle, easy going, funny, adorable honestly.  which has been a lot for me to go through emotionally -- a man i disliked most of my life, has become someone i dont want to be without and i know our time is coming to an end. 

meanwhile the background noise in my head was a constant nagging at me that i was going to let YOU ALL down. nothing upset me more than that ( you can ask my therapist hahah!!) how could i possibly make this season happen as i need to for you with all of this crap going on in my life, being so exhausted, being such a mess emotionally, so scattered when i need to be so focused!  how could i put good energy into what im doing when i had no energy at all. whats that saying? pull yourself up by your bootstraps?thats what i did. thats what i had to do, but i dont recall doing it, i just know i must have somehow done it because the turn out yesterday, the buzzing energy, all the smiles i saw were telling me so.

we dont celebrate small business saturday for bg, we do it for you. our hearts and souls go into wanting it to be special, to feel magical and exciting, i want it to always have surprises and be fun for you, for the girls working, for everyone. leading up to it this year i kept saying " i hate everything im making, i dont like anything, it all sucks, nothing is good, my mind is fried and creativity is gone" etc etc, but --- its actually not the case, i was just so overwhelmed by what was going on in my personal life falling apart that i was incapable of seeing what was coming together. as i stopped making stuff, and started prepping things for the big day -- i realized it had all come together so well, and in fact i didnt just like, but loved nearly everything made. i just didnt remember making it. 

the energy that goes into preparing small business saturday pales in comparison to the energy you bring with you through those doors. heck, before youre even through the doors! as we begin showing up for the day, everyone is buzzing, you can feel the good vibes as each of us walk through the doors, so excited, like little kids on xmas eve. and then the first car pulls up -- and we all go " OMG theyre here already!!!!" and we just geek out with excitement pretty much from that very moment on and stays with us the entire day! the women i work with are incredible. i cant say that loud enough. they arent just friends, and i know they say you cant choose family but i beg to differ because they are my family and id choose them every time. 

this was a big year for BG ..... 15, if my feelings were on the outside id have been standing in the middle of the shop bawling my eyes out yesterday lol but luckily i held myself together and got to smile, talk, hug, thank and visit with you all instead! its overwhelming what every year this day does to me. its overwhelming what leads up to it, sure lol but i dont think anything physically can compare to what sorts of emotions wash over me as i see you all coming out to support my little handmade soap business that i never expected having, and especially not for 15 years. 

somehow the universe manages to put all good humans together in one place on a saturday in november at 4501 belmont avenue, every year and i couldnt be more grateful for that. its mind blowing how much kindness and love comes through those doors. i feel your support, i see your smiles, i care about each and every one of you and i am thankful for your friendship. its uncomfortable for me to call anyone customers... i consider you friends, just as its uncomfortable to call the girls i work with anything other than family. 

i hope i didnt let you down this year, i hope most of you had no idea i was even going through all i was going through, and for those of you who did, i thank you from the biggest parts of my being for being there for me through it. i hope you all had a magical day yesterday, i hope you all know how much i think " you rock" and now understand my little soap stones ;) its because you rock, you absolutely do. 

thank you for keeping my soul clean and my boots dirty.

thank you for allowing me to be part of your world and thank you for sharing mine.

until next,